Uniforms = lies

On a random summer night in NYC myself and two friends were out partying. We were at our favorite Irish Bar Puck Fair. Puck Fair is the kind of place you head to 1. if you're Irish 2. if you dig the Irish or 3. if you are me and feel like flirting shamlessly with the bartender (which if you're not careful can end up banning you from the place for a good 6-12 mos). The ambiance of the place is 100% Irish, despite the suits here and there, but they usually get kicked out before 12, since they can't handle their Jameson intake. The same goes for most of the chicks, they drop like flies. Other than those two groups, I always see the same people when I go there, primarily men that are my age but all the late night bartending gigs have caught up to them and random Irish men. The music is usually rock (Rolling Stones, Ramones and Jimmi Hendrix etc..) which keeps you awake but doesn't promote dancing on the bars, thank god. After drinking pint after pint and taking shots of Jameson back to back it was around 2:30 (witching hour) and we had all decided we werent staying for after hours. It was an overall low key night. Yes, this is what a low key night is for me.

Our friend "C" bribes us to sleep at her place with promises of breakfast sandwhiches. The three of us hop into a taxi say goodnight to Soho and head to Midtown. C remembers that she has no groceries so we stop at a corner store across the street from her apartment. The corner store similar to every corner store in NYC, is over priced with tons of expired milk. We are at this point piss drunk. The pints and Jameson shots are well into our system and are probably slapping the shit out of our livers. (thank god for wheatgrass) Walking into the store towards the back refrigerators I decide to push C into the dairy section. (I know..such a fraternity guy move, it must have been the Jameson.) A police officer walks in and I immediately make a gun out of my hands and say "Freeze". He doesn't seem that impressed so my "best behavior act" kicks in. The police officer seems like a young guy, something about him resemebles Richard Gere. Not Richard Gere's current looks since he is a bit old now, but his looks during An Officer and a Gentleman. The uniform is like any other police uniform, dark pants, dark shirt, shiny name plate etc etc. He asks the three of us how are night is going and we obviously respond "its just beginning". He leaves and we pay for our supplies and walk outside. He is in his police car and flashes the lights and we give a friendly wave. I'm not exactly sure how this happened or why we assumed this was a safe idea, it must have been the whole Richard Gere look and yes I know Ted Bundy was a good looking guy as well. We proceed to tell the police officer that if he wanted to party ring Apt 3A. He laughed, smiled and said "thanks".

We settled into C's apartment on her couch while she began prepping our feast. I'm thinking to myself it would have been easier and less painful to grab a damn Egg McMuffin. The buzzer rings and we all look at eachother. It's the friggin police officer. Of course every "Unsolved Mystery" and "America's Most Wanted" episode is airing in my mind and I should be screaming DONT OPEN THE DOOR, instead I say "Well you're going to buzz him in right"? Moments later C is opening the door and the officer is standing there with a F'ing boquet of flowers. (Flowers...weeds...poison ivy...whatever, it was the thought i guess.) It turns out his name is Officer "Illy". Officer Illy asks what we are doing? Having a smart mouth I respond " well we just flushed all the drugs down the toilet so we are left with eating breakfast sandwhiches now". He finally cracks a laugh and asks if we want some beer. Ab-so-lute-ly. He promises us a couple things : 1. he is going to get beer 2. he is going to pick up his friend who also just finished his shift. Things are instantly get interesting. Officer Illy gives the flowers/weeds to C and leaves to get his friend. Jack pot.

About twenty minutes later my eyes are rolling in the back of my head. I've sobered up, ate and am now ready for bed. damn. The buzzer rings, I feel a rush of excitement as we hear the officers walking up the steps. C opens the door and What-the-F.

Officer Illy has transformed into Officer Grandpa Gere aka OGG. No uniform and no boyish good looks.. gone, taken away, stolen. Grandpa Gere is wearing light denim grandpa jeans and a northface zip up, he tells us that these are his "street clothes". A police officer's uniform not only transforms a normal man into what today would be considered a modern day hero, but I think it also makes their body seem leaner. This makes sense especially to women, the basic go to color to wear when you want to look skinnier is black. (unless your chubby...nothing is transforming that) The police uniform falls nicely on most average men, but the truth comes out once the same man takes off the uniform. Now it was clearly visible how cheesy and out of shape OGG was. He instantly before our eyes had transformed into an older man with high cholesterol. His friend follows in behind him. His name should be something like Johnny, he is about 230lbs, has the thickest New York accent (which seems to have brought out OGG's accent) and is wearing sweatpants?! and a hoodie. Things have just gone from bad to worse. The ONLY positive thing is they have two six packs..Corona. I say F-it and grab one and listen to "Johnny" ramble on about life. I interrupt and ask him about his opinions regarding "Cops", "AMW" and "Unsolved Mysteries". Those TV shows are clearly more interesting than what he has to say about growing up on Staten Island or Long Island...whatever. I throw in a couple of "wow's" and "good point" to make it seem like I'm actively listening. Meanwhile, our other friend is passed out on the couch, C and OGG are on the love seat talking about who knows... Johnny picks up a magic marker from the table and starts drawing body parts on our friend's ankle. Really Johnny.. I'm beginning to get very bored so I decide if you cant beat em, join em (aka you are stuck talking to a overweight police officer at 4am) I start writing on her leg and begin laughing. It occurs to me she should be laughing at me. She is asleep and off the radar, C and OGG are all cuddled up, and Johnny...I wont even go there. Acting like a spaz I immediately down my beer say peace and run to C's room. I hide under the covers, lock the door and hit the lights.

I wake up the next day and see C next to me. I slap her in the head and ask "what the hell happened?" She proceeds to explain that she felt obligated to watch the sunrise with OGG and had to give him a little sugar since he brought her flowers and beer. Johnny left once he realized no one was listening. (I actually think he was waiting in the car for OGG.) After the sub-par romantic session OGG left he had to go home and sleep before work started and change back into his uniform. For God's sake about time! Before leaving, OGG reassured C that he would definitely make sure the neighborhood was "safe" while he was patrolling. I was thinking thank god he doesn't know where I live and please do yourself a favor keep the uniform on. I asked C what the hell she had been talking about the whole time. She rolled over and said, "police uniforms".